度やって。。？ 何で。。？

I always care. Always.

So much more than I actually should.

But I don't know.

I don't know how to show I care.

I don't know why people have to know I care.

It hurts me though.

It hurts me that they don't know.

CURTAINS UP!

You're an actress.
Even when you're stressed; you're an actress.
Must choose words others want to hear,
Let them know they are dear.
Please others with your smile,
Let them believe you are fine.
The curtains' up
And you shall act.

You're the director's doll.
A happy nodding doll.
Say "yes" even if you meant 'no'
"sorry" even if you weren't wrong.
Annoyed as you are,
Hold back if you must..
Just don't stray from the script
And to your role you shall stick.

No one is to know
How much pain you've owned.
Do not plead to be understood,
That's not the stage you should stood.
Have your audiences applause,
Tears and screams are considered flaws.
So do not forget that this is your task;
Do not let yourself be unmasked.

０１日０４月２０１５年

NOT WE; JUST ME

it's funny how you and I are not that close,
yet it's your silhouette that my eyes chose to follow
we don't speak much to each other nor we spend time together..
but how come I know you are someone better?
the you who see the good in me
and the me who thinks you're too good for me..

your honest words, that pierce like sword
A comfort to me, no flatteries can ever be
your sensitive heart, that inspires like art
so warm that makes me wanna hold you in my arms..
the you who treat me so tenderly,
and the me who likes you awkwardly.

your clumsy handwriting, carved to my liking
etched in my head, and never will I forget
your confident voice, stands above the noise,
echoes in my ears, enough to make my eyes tear..
the you who swept me off just like a man,
and the me who easily fell just like that..

soon, we'll have to walk our separate paths
though I'd rather not wish for that..
I won't cry nor say goodbye
because distance can't make this feelings die..
thank you for letting me selfishly like you,
I just hope it's not bothering you.

the you who whispered love to my ear,
and the me who pretended not to hear..
the you who said thank you
to the me who confessed to you..
I would like to remember all the you's and me's
even though there is no you and me.

I'm really grateful to have met you
And truly glad to have like you.
so this poem was made,
for these feelings not just to fade.
For the you who calls himself completely irrelevant
From the me who thinks of you as really important

２６日０４月２０１３年

THAT DAY I HAVE TO CHOOSE

every year that day I bloomed
choices are given for me to choose;
any choice leads to treasures weeping
treasures to which of course of equal meaning
may I please not choose
between those two precious treasures?

every year that day I bloomed
am forced to choose,
caught in between, painfully wondering
which treasure to shine, which treasure will rust..
may we stop this feast
before I turned into a beast?

every year that day I bloomed
constantly wishing for that shine to shone
upon those treasures I wish to glow
thinking hard why I cannot choose both
may no one rust as I choose my choice

oh, this year! on the day I bloomed
even just this day, hear my plea
of seeing both treasures shine with glee..
but tears filled my eyes and blurred my sight
realizing how impossible this wish of mine
may I have the strength not to whine..

２２日１０月２０１２年

お願い、人生の弁護士さん！

３０日７月２０１４年

To Whom This May Concern..

                I, Tadano Watashi, daughter of my mom and dad, with the legal age of 19, wrote this letter to show my honest and genuine thoughts about the matter. I do not know if this is appropriate for me to do but I would like for everyone involved to consider my feelings regarding the case. But first, I would like to make it clear that I do not stand with or against anyone. I love both my parents dearly and equally and I wish no harm for either of them.

                I have grown up watching my parents argue all the time. Regardless of the reason, it was awfully painful.When I was a child, I could not bear why my family's like this, I hated it. I kept thinking that I don't deserve this, so I fought for it. I told my self not to forgive anyone who would try to rip apart this family I'm holding dear. But as a child, I cannot do anything but cry and beg to God to keep my beloved family intact. True enough, I was granted my wish of not having a broken family. My dad, who had already fallen out of love with my mom, forced himself to stay in our family just so he could continue being a father to me and my brothers. My mom, who endured the pain of having her husband stolen again and again, fought and is still fighting for me and my brothers' right to live and grow up with a normal family. This is how much both my parents loves us. How much they are willing to sacrifice for us.

   

                After the first filed case against my father, they have come to an agreement that my mom and dad would have nothing to do with each other as long as my dad would give me and my brothers what is due for us. Like, pay for water and electricity bills, tuition fees, groceries and of course, give time for us. This is what I know of their agreement as mom withdrew the case. My dad, then, continued complying to the said conditions and continued being a father to the three of us. It was fine until my dad fell for yet another woman. My mom, again, endured the humiliation of having her man stolen. But then, my father's mistress gave birth to my father's child causing my mom to snap. Now, the case was opened again and I have no clear vision as to what will become of my family.

                I asked for a complete family, so they forced upon themselves that we should be complete. But this does not make me happy anymore. Rather than being a complete happy family, its more like we're "forced to be complete family". Honestly, it's suffocating. Living together but not actually living together. I do not like how my dad disregards my mom. And I also do not like how my mom could not accept the fact that my dad cannot love her anymore. I understand how painful it is for the both of them. But I would like them to know that it is painful for me as well. Its painful how they make me unconsciously choose between them. Its hard to always have to be carefully considerate before I do or say something to each of them. I always have to hold back with my opinions because they wouldn't understand or that it could just make matters worse (that's why it took a lot of courage for me to write this letter). And I really hate it how they bad mouth each other. If I could, I would hit their heads just to teach them a lesson. I cannot believe that at this young age, being the daughter, it is me who has to watch out for my parents.

               Truth be told, I am not against divorce or annulment so long as it could make both my parents happy. But seeing my mom fought so much for us to not have a broken family, made me go along with her, for the sake of my brothers as well. But now, my mom, my dad, and I have endured enough. It's not about who's in the right and wrong anymore nor not about winning or losing but about what can make all of us free and happy. Actually, the first time I knew that my dad has an illegitimate child, I cried. Not only because I was worried about my family but more because of pity. I can't believe that yet another innocent person would end up tangled in this mess. So, to end this continuous endurance of pain that no one's benefiting, I would like to suggest to let my father go and live his life. Having my dad end up in jail, would not make anyone happy. He may not be able to be a good husband to my mother but he has always been a great father to me. He might fallen out of love with my mom but I do believe that his love for me and my brothers would never cease.

               As for the mistress, I couldn't care less about her. She hurts my mom, so I don't like her. But I don't hate her since she could give my father hapiness me and my mother cannot give. But, still, I don't like her. I may be able to accept my step brother but I'm sorry because I won't ever come to like her. Even though I would like her to go and rot in jail, I do not wish for it. Its enough that I have been through this messy family, I don't want my brothers nor my step brother to grow up with the same stressful family problem. I'd rather have an incomplete happy family than a suffocating complete family.

               Though I feel sorry to my mom for having written this letter opposing her filed case against my father, but I do believe that this decision of mine would lead for her hapiness as well. Now that I have grown up, I can now accept the fact that my family isn't normal. And that not just because our family is far from ideal, that doesn't mean we cannot be happy. So, before worse comes to worst, I think that this is the right time to face the bitter reality, let go of painful things and move on to a brighter future. It sure won't be easy, but its worth a try. For me and my brothers' sake, for my dad's happiness and for my mom's peace of mind.

               I do not want anyone to judge about this matter without consulting me and my brothers about it. Please see to it that before the case is closed, we (dad, mom, my two younger brothers, and I) have come up with mutual agreement. I may not have the right status to decide what will become to this case but me and my brothers still have the right to decide what would become of our future. So I am hoping for cooperation and consideration that me and my brothers' thoughts and opinions would not be left in the dark.

Genuinely yours,

    唯の私

 Tadano Watashi

自分からのてがみ

15日 04月 2013年

今日のただしヘ

                     Do you know what's with today? ...I'm not telling! Just so you know, I'm really brave! So you must stay brave! "IT'S BETTER TO FAIL AFTER TRYING THAN TO FAIL WHILE DOING NOTHING" you'll regret it more if you just stay still - is what you always say, so do not be afraid and trust yourself. We've been through a lot and I believe in how you handle things, so believe in your self, because I trust you.

                     Don't forget to always LOOK BEYOND WHAT YOU CAN SEE, you cannot understand everything, and you cannot understand anything 100% so you must not judge based on your own biases, and even though you cannot love everything and everyone, you must still NEVER HATE, no matter who, no matter what. Ohh.. and please, learn to love yourself. You are so much more than what you think you are.. You're not bad, well.. you're not great either, but at the very least, you're good! If you think that's not enough, then STRIVE TO BECOME BETTER.

     PS: No matter how much others doubt you, stay HONEST!

            No matter how much others deceive you; TRUST!

            No matter how grieve the mistake is; FORGIVE!

            And no matter how painful everything gets; SMILE!

                                                                                              昨日のただし