Oh. Right. An update.

I suck at my job.




Trust me, I'm doing everything I can.
.. And yet,
I miraculously still keep on sucking.

I Keep Disappointing Them...

and myself.

Welcome To The Real World

and harsh reality.


It's upsetting
and I can't even do anything about it.

Of course it's not okay!

But I didn't have the heart to say no..

It's Mutual.

It's just one of our normal days,
Watching movie like usual.

I held his hand
and he held mine back..

He held me close,
And whispered words I longed to hear.

I cried in disbelief. (<-- rude. lol)

"Ah, finally."


And of course,
It was just a dream.

It Feels Like

We're starting dating again.



I'm going to be more honest

with what I feel

and be more firm

with what I want.

He should be one person

who I can be comfortable with.

Afterall,

He's the person I want with me

as I live through my years.

When you love someone,

you just love that person.

How am I supposed to explain that?

Just what am I to do for you to believe me?

It hurts to be doubted like this.

I'm dumb.

So it's really no wonder

why I can't do things properly.

I had a long dream..

I was traveling
by foot.
I was searching for something
I don't know.

With no destination,
I kept walking.
A lot of different people walked with me
but with their own path to take;
we parted ways.

Place by place,
from cities to countries,
I walk aimlessly.

Amidst the crowd,
one tall person stood out.
Without knowing why,
I chased his back.

I don't know who he is
but just like a kid, I followed him.
He doesn't have to know me, He doesn't have to meet me,
I just want to walk behind him.

At one moment,
I lost him.
I ran around to look for him.
A hand from behind stopped me.

The me who was always looking
at his back,
is surprised to see him smile
for the first time.

He asked me about "that" thing I was searching for.
I don't know what my answer was
or that if we're even looking for the same thing
but since then,
He never left my side.

Every time I stop to wait,
He waits with me.
When I get tired, he lifts me up
and carry me on his shoulders.

Walking with him
this time not behind him.
Through the travel,
His smile is the warmest cuddle.

I wonder if I had slept more,

would we have parted ways

just like everybody else?

Or will we have found

"that" thing we're searching for?

I try not to think about it but..

There are times like this
when I want to reach out and touch your face.

Nights like this
when I want to lie down and see you next to me.

"Soon, we will."
Is what we said.

But I wonder
when will soon be.

That Thing I Wish Didn't Happen..

It's almost time for that again..

Ahh. Yes..

At around this time of the year,

I want to disappear.

Go Back.

Go back to the old you.

You were so much better.

People liked you better.

You were stronger.

Stop getting carried away

Just because you got off with a blissful year for once.

You're still cuffed.

Stop thinking of yourself.

Stop making people understand you.

Just stop. You're an embarrassment.

Remember. CURTAINS' UP

Comedy

"You've always been free."

I wasn't able to say anything.

I laughed at myself..

I realized how much of me people haven't seen.

"Since you were born, you've been free."

How funny he thinks that.

My birth is my cuff itself.

I loath it.

.. Being born.

I wish I could donate it

to someone who actually wants it.

".. be a hero"

So he said.


Continuously enduring pain I shouldn't even be feeling.
(They didn't even realized they inflicted on me)

Sharing what's supposed to be mine.

Saying "I'm fine..", "It's fine.." just so they could be happy.

No matter how they make me unconsciously choose between them,
I constantly try my best to make both of them happy
(Even if it hurts me..)

Continuously blaming myself for this.
That if only I had handled things differently.. If only I wasn't this selfish..
.. if only I wasn't 'this' and 'that' or what...
Things might've been different.

Giving up a lot of things. Convincing myself that it's okay, they're not for me.
(Yes, apparently, a complete family's one of them.)

When I was around 11, I had told myself that no matter how painful it gets for me,
I will try to understand them.
(And I've been doing so. Through the years. And until now.)

Crying myself to sleep.
Asking my dear Lord why it has to be me.
(Was I really that bad of a person?)

Complying, struggling, and giving precious things up. Because they can't do it themselves.



And here I thought

these were enough to be considered "heroic"..

I guess not.

They need more from me.

And There You Have It..

I found my dreams again;

My motivation.

A much clearer goal to work hard on.

And as much as I'm terrified of how rough and tough it's going to be,

Screw it. I'll face it!

Because it'll be MY life. Finally.

And it really makes me laugh how

in just a bat of an eye,

all these bursted into bubbles..

without even giving me a chance.