I Guess That Was A Christmas Present..?

I was walking around looking for my baby,

As I turned around,
I saw her running towards me
With that wide bright smile of hers.

I gave her a hug
As she jumped into my arms.


I woke up.

I wished I hadn't.

Hate Everything

I know it's not the world's fault for being how it is.

The things I'm going through right now,
The things I'm complaining about,
Are the result of my decisions, actions, and inaction.

I guess I'm frustrated at the fact that
Everything is just really my fault.

I Wanna Go Home

I have to find her

I Can’t Help But Think

Of just how wonderful it is
That God blessed the world with
Creatures that could love and protect
Unconditionally..

And yet.. There are countless of them
Alone.. with no family.. no home..
Unloved.. Unappreciated..

And my baby’s one of them..
Remaining unfound..
Waiting.. hoping to be found
To be hugged and loved again..

I Wouldn’t Want Anything Else

Than to spend time with her again.

I want her back..

I’d do anything for it..



Please be safe..

Keep fighting and
Stay strong

Till I can hug
And care for you again


Damn.
I miss her.

It Has Been A Week

And not a single lead
To where my baby is.

I want to punch someone and beat them to death

And that someone is me.


I want her back.
No matter what it’ll take.

I will either live with her
Or.. leave with her

She deserves so much
So much more..

She have to safe.

I Was Standing Still.. Watching..

As a house,
May or may not be my own,
Get eaten by flames.

Flames,
I may or may not have
Created myself.

I Killed Someone

I’m not sure if I knew
Him or her..

I’m not even sure
How I killed that person.

But I know,
Someone was there with me.
No idea who, but I call her “hana”

I don’t know if she helped me with it
Or was just a witness

But we ran away together.

We took the black van
And drove it halfway to the airport.

Changed vehicle to a motorcycle.
(So the police couldn’t track us)

We were passingby a wet market,
When I noticed the police coming.

And before they even see us,

Hana grabbed me and we hurriedly
Got on the motorcycle.
She told me to hang on tight
As she drove fast and reckless,
Losing the police.

Our plan was to go
Out of the country before the police
Even suspected us.

We will leave,
And live our life somewhere.
I don’t know exactly where,
But just not the prison.

In the middle of the drive,
Hana said she was tired,
And told me to drive.

I didn’t like the idea,
But I did anyways.

I drove slowly and cautiously.
Scared.
That if ever the police was onto us,
I wouldn’t be able to drive as good as hana.
We’ll get caught.

Now far from where we’re from,
And real close to the airport.

We decided to take a break.

We went in to a house,
Who knows whose.
And we slept for a night.

I woke up and immediately
Got ready for the drive.

I was waiting outside for hana.

As hana was leaving the house,
He noticed someone inside
A room with slightly opened door.

He seems oblivious to what was going on.
He was sleeping.
Soundly.

She couldn’t see his face
But she said she knows him.

She ran out the house, towards me
And told me she wants to stay.

I was surprised.
I argued with her.
She can’t stay. She won’t be safe.

She said she’ll be fine.

I was so mad at her.
I couldn’t believe
She would choose to stay for a stranger.

I wanted to leave.


————————————

In hindsight,
I could’ve just left her
And leave the country.
But in my dream, 
We either have to stay together
Or leave together.

In the end,
I didn’t know which path we took..

SHE BETTER BE SAFE

She must be really scared
all alone out there.

And here I am,
unable to do anything for her.

I won't be able to forgive myself
if anything bad happens to her.

GIVE HER BACK!

I know I deserve all the bad things
but I wish the universe will leave my baby out of it.


I want her back

or I'm gone too.

I Feel Like I'm Wasting Myself..

I don't like me right now..

Well, when have I ever?
There's just always something to hate..

But right now, and the past few months,
Is the most worthless I've ever seen myself.

I'm a dead weight garbage,
Slowly withering away..

And the only thing keeping me sane,
The only thing preventing me
From totally loathing myself,

Is something I don't deserve.

"I Told You So."

He makes me appreciate myself more..

Makes me think like I can do even more things than I thought I can..

Makes me feel I'm enough and yet can still be better..


My dream hinted me..
And stubborn little me didn't listen..

I Don't Like Seeing Dogs

It makes me miss my babies

I want to hug them so badddd

It's Thanksgiving!

 Happy Turkey Day!! 

We don't really celebrate thanksgiving
Back home so I'm really fine
With it just being a normal day. :)


But somehow,
I'm feeling lonely..

I don't know.

Baaaah! Whatever!

Imma eat and drink my heart out! (๑ゝڡ◕๑) 

I Want My Baby With Me

I want to hug her

Pet her

Dote on her.


Everynight,
I wish I could be there
To sleep with her.

Everyday,
I wish I could hear her bark
And see her smile.


Everynight and everyday,

I miss her.

They're Trying To Trick Me

Into signing papers.

I was in an office-like room
With a men in suit sitting across from me.

They said they're just papers for medical examination.
They thought I won't read them.
But I did.
I always do.

I can't remember the exact words
But somewhere in the papers,
It says something about
Them owning my organs.

I didn't sign the papers.

I ran to my friends
Who were in different office-like rooms
Holding the same kind of papers
Completely oblivious
To what's written on them.

I told them not to sign the papers.
They gave me a weird look.
And while I'm quite unsure whether they believed me,
We walked away from that place.

We head off to our apartments,
But before I got to mine,
I noticed that those guys were onto us.

I ran to their apartments
To warn them.
Thats when I found out,
They signed the papers.

I told them its going to be fine.
And that they should go.
Quick.
I went to meet the guys
Who're just outside the apartment complex
About to go in.

I ran to them hoping to buy my friends
More time to escape.

But I got bribed to going back to their office
By a crispy fried chicken and gravy.

I Was At My Old School

Everyone is in a hurry to escape

Apparently, the the news said that
We would get attacked.

Me and a few students are in a hurry
Packing up stuff
While the others were already outside
The open basketball court
Shouting "Don't bother! Leave those things!
And hurry up!!"

We didn't.
We ran out with our heavy backpacks.
As we were in that open court,
We heard fighter planes high above us.

And they dropped bombs like nothing.

We ran far away from the school building
But I guess not far away enough,
Glass shards and some debris came over flying.
They hit me in the legs, at my back, and to my face
As I looked behind, There were less of us now.

I ran and ran..
Mornings and evenings came.
Walking and looking around,
The world seems busy.
I kept walking..
With that big heavy backpack on.
Scared and all alone trying to get home.

But I didn't know where home was.

Two Wonderful Dreams

My cousin cooked
Some kind of oden
For me and my brother

It was sooo good.

The fishcakes soaked in the
Flavor of the dashi.
The dashi just a little bit salty,
I can't really explain
but it was so soo good. ( ᵒ̴̶̷̥́ ·̫ ᵒ̴̶̷̣̥̀ )

I could eat this forever!

I told him he should be a chef. (っ˘ڡ˘ς)



---- I woke up. Went back to sleep and my dreams changed ----



I was in the middle of packing up
To escape town with all the other residents.

There is this creature,
A monster, evil as they call it.
They said it would kill people
And that it would annihilate the town.

Keyword there "would"
They never actually saw it destroy
Or kill anyone.

In the middle of running away,
The creature appeared before us.
It was huge hound looking creature
Dark and somewhat shadowy
Almost mythical.

The creature jumped at someone
Roaring loud.
As it attempts to bite her,
I called its attention towards me.
It ran and jumped at me
knocking me over to the ground.

The other residents, alarmed,
Raised their hunting rifle aiming for the creature
Waiting for the perfect time to shoot.

They have guns, and yet
They were telling me, yelling;
"Kill it."

The creature, sensing danger,
Roared even louder.
As it attempts to bite off my arm,
I hugged it.

I was crying and hugging and petting it.

"It's okay.. It's okay.. I won't hurt you.."

It was still.
Howling softly as if it's crying with me.

The shadowy thing envelops it
And the creature changed its form
Into a dog. But not quite.

It was puppy small
Black and dark fur
With two big marble like eyes
Mouth a little bigger than normal dogs have
And a lot of pointed crocodile teeth.

It's really cute.
I took it home and cares for it.
My dogs are somewhat in the middle of
Wanting to play with it and cautious scared of it.
But it just gave them the
"I ain't playing with you kids. I'm not a dog." look

And when it's hungry,
It would call my attention
And opens its mouth wide open
As if telling me to put food in it.

So I grabbed its bowl,
And head off to the kitchen to get food.
But
I stopped and realized
I have no idea what kind food that creature eats.

There's This Girl

A good friend of mine.

Everyone loves her

And so do I.

I wasn't really liked

But I have her

When I was threatened,

When I was hurt,

She was there for me.

Always there for me

I'd cry

and she comforts me

When I was stabbed

Over and over

When my blood were all over the room

Through all my scars she was there

Always there

Because it was her

The threats

The hurt

The stabs

It was all her

And now that I know,

She's not afraid anymore

Of doing all those to my face

She went from backstabbing

To straight up stabbing and cutting me

While maintaining her

Amiable and lovable image

That everyone adores.

After multiple stabs and cuts,

Only then did I realize

It was all a dream

But knowing did not help.

Everytime I try to wake up,

I'd open my eyes

With myself lying on the bed

With her standing at the door

Knife in her hand

Same thing

Over and over

Stabbed.

Cut.

Blood spilling.

I tried escaping

And she wouldn't let me.

Before The Day Ends

I'll share this pleasing dream I had

I went up to a store looking place
But its not a store.. (I don't really get it)

There were people inside but nevermind them.
Because There were dogs and I was petting them
Happily petting them.

And when I had my fill of petting,
A well known European chef went up to me
Holding a tray of chocolates
And asked me to taste test them.

They were chocolate bars
With red foil looking sheets
Which tasted fruity (yes. I have sense of taste in my dreams.lol.)
Something like raspberry.

Not to sound ungrateful but
I don't think I liked it very much..

Maybe it's the chocolate?
Or maybe the raspberry?
mmmm.. both? of them together?

Then another chef came
Holding his own tray of desserts
That I have to taste.

Then another.

And another.

I think there were 6-8 chefs
With each their own tray of desserts
That I had to try.

Then I woke up
From a literally sweet dream.

So... There.. I said it.

I don't think it went well..

But it at least did not go as bad as I thought it would.


I don't know how he could be so understanding and patient with me.

Though he said he didn't really love me,
I know what I said hurt him.

And despite the hurt,
despite all my selfishness,

despite my terrible reason for staying,

He pat my head
and said;
"It's okay to ask for help."

I don't deserve him.



I won't ever forget this.
And someday, I hope to repay him.

I pray he finds someone
who he will love dearly
and who will love him
with her all.

I'm An Idiot

It'll hurt.

But this is for the best.

He deserves honesty. I'll give him that.

A little too late

But please,

No more running away.

Tomorrow..

I'm scared.

But I'll face it.

I deserve whatever pain will come.

Aaaand. I Shut Down.

I'm done with myself.

Can A Comet Please Hit Me In The Face?

Or should I just bury myself alive?

Can someone just please erase meeee

See?

I knew it.

What excuse did you come up this time?

Scary to talk huh?

Makes your stomach churn.

Well, again, it's all you.
You did all that to yourself.

Either you talk right now
and work something out.

Or.

Live the rest of your life feeling bad.

Honestly though,
I suggest to just keep things to yourself.

You don't need more people feeling bad.
You, alone, hurting is already enough.

Stop trying to bring him down with you.
It will just hurt him.
Stop trying to talk to him about it
just so you can make yourself feel better.

That's just selfish.


But then again, that's all you're good at;
Being selfish.

I See You're Planning To Talk Tonight

I doubt you'll do it though.

Because I know you..
You try and tell yourself
You're headstrong and brave and all that.
But I know you..
You're a coward.

And the situation you're in right now
Is one proof of that.

It Was A Dark Evening..

I was alone in a house I don't recognize.

In that dream, that house was mine.


I heard a noise.

And the next thing I knew
I was held by a man
With a knife pointed at my throat.

He won't tell me what he wants
He just threatened me.
I'm dead if I dare call the police.

Someone came home.
No idea who. Never met before.
But in that dream, I know him.
And he helped me escape.

I ran to my neighbor.
A sweet old couple.
I was a mess.
In between my sobs,
I kept telling them to call 911.

"Please, pleaseee..
call 911..
call 911.."

I kept saying over and over..

Wrote an address I don't recognize
In a handwriting I don't recognize
But in that dream, that was my address
and so was my handwriting.

I wrote it over and over..
Even tried to carve it on their wooden floor with the pen.
So I'm sure they won't forget even if they lose all the papers
But.
He found me.

I didn't know if they made the call
But when I looked at them
They're dead.
The sweet old couple; dead. Because of me.

He took me back to my house
The guy that tried to help me was still there.
He was also a mess.
But thank goodness alive.

We were both hostages.

He wouldn't tell us what he wants from us.
He just held us there.
Prisoners.

We tried to fight back.
But before we get to,
I woke up.

Think. Think. Think.

What do you want?

Should you really go for it?

Think about it. 

Is it worth breaking precious love ones' hearts for?

Of course not, idiot.

Everyone knows that when given a choice,

you choose to save the lives of many over a single person's life.

Especially when you did this to yourself.

Whatever bad things that's going to happen,

However lonely you get,

You deserve every bit of it.

Don't drag other people's happiness down.

Own up to your actions.

Think. And stop being stupid.

Stop thinking about what you would've done differently.

Stop thinking about what could be.

It's done.

And you can't have what you want.

You don't deserve to anyways.

The only thing you should be thinking right now

is how to make and keep him happy.

Think.

And act quick.

REMEMBER THIS

And remember it well.

When tears are about to fall,

carve this into your dumb little brain;


"You're the one doing the hurt.

You have no right to cry."

Gosh Darn It.

You're doing it all wrong!

He's not happy!

He is not happy!!

You said you'll make him happy

What in the world are you doing!!?!

He's not happy.

Make. Him. Happy.

NOW.

Don't Cry.. Don't Cry..

It's okay..

You're okay..

I'm A Sucker For His Family

Sighh..

I just love his family.

I don't deserve them

I Want To Tell Him

I want to tell him

I don't want rings

at least not yet..

I want to tell him



sighh.. What am I doing...

Sheep

I miss her.

Every night I go to bed, I think of her..

I'm all warm and tucked in bed

while she sleeps alone on the kitchen floor.

Everyday, she gets fed..
But with food and with no hugs.

When I call I hear her bark,
So loud to make sure I'll know
She hears me too.
"I'm right here. Pet me! Take me!

Here! Here!!

I'm right here!"

I see her
through a cellphone screen
but she can't see me back

She doesn't know
and she won't understand

Just why I suddenly stopped showing up.

You Said You Don't Love Me

But you're trying..

I would cry.

But I was relieved.

Then I cried.

Because it was a dream.

I Want To Be Happy

But not at the expense of someone else's happiness.

Hi. I'm Garbage. And You Are?

I want to be hated

so bad that he'll get mad

and toss me away.


But he's too kind..

way too kind.


I know he'll take all the pain..
and blame himself instead.


But him not knowing

is unfair for him

and yet, him knowing

will break him.


AHHHHH..

I hope I wake up in a dumpsite
in the middle of who knows whereeee

More Dreams Like This Please..

I dreamt of my dogs..

I was playing with them

We were really happy.

And there was one more dog I haven't seen before

I was happy :)

And so was that dog. (*＾v＾*)



If only reality could be this blissful..

I Don't Know What Else I Can Do

I tried talking.

To both of them.

Countless times

Nothing just ever.. connect?

Nothing works out.

We barely manage to work on one,
Three more problems come out.

Why can't they just both be less cunning
and more giving?

How long would this drag out?

I have problems of my own too..


I know I shouldn't really bother at this point

Because really, its all up to them

But they really have to realize,

While all these is all them,
and we kids have little power over it,
as they make it seem to be,

We are the most affected by all these.

The fact that we badly want to end this
And yet we can't
The fact that all we could do is be more understanding
despite how painful it gets.
The fact that we try,
and always only in vain!

I get even more disappointed everyday..

I know. I'm aware.
That beyond me and my brothers' understanding,
They are hurt by this too.

So.. yeahh..

I don't know.

I don't know..

Whatever I'm Feeling,

It's nobody's fault but mine.

He's merely a victim
Of my selfishness and cowardice.

He did nothing wrong
And deserves every bit of happiness
The world could offer
Yet I did him wrong

The least I could do
is to keep and make him happy

And do anything for it.

YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YOU!?

Curtains up right!?

Don't plead to be understood,
That's not the stage you should stood

Whats up with you trying to talk about this!?

This is your fight.
Don't go bringing anyone into it.

Why did you talk!?

What were you expecting?

Nothing can save you from this.

You should have went on with the flow..
No one has to know!

Don't go fishing for pity.

You know well you don't deserve a drop of it.

What are you going to do now?

Don't you wash off your guilt by telling him.

That might relieve you..
But that would break him.

It would've went well
if you just give in
like you said you would.

Now what?

From Time To Time..

I have this dream
Of me

In a different place
With different people
And different situation

From time to time
I'd wonder
If I can live in my dreams
And dream my reality

From time to time
I don't want to see
The line between
What's real and not

Often times
I feel more alive
Than I could ever be
More emotions
Than I could ever have

With my eyes closed
Than with them open

From time to time

I'd wake up empty.

It's Weird..

I don't feel 'me'..

Everything feels unreal

like I'm living someone else's life

This Is It

Show everyone you're happy.

CURTAINS UP


I have at most three years.

I got this.

It Was A Narrow Opening

But nonetheless,

The door was open

But I closed it

and locked myself in.

I'm Sorry

Today,

or rather, yesterday,

I realized something I shouldn't have.

I won't do anything about it.

It's a silly thought.

A feeling that I should just ignore.

It'll go away soon.


I should think about this more,
but I shouldn't.

I am not going to mess things up
for a lot of people.

I'm fine.

I can guarantee myself,


I'll be happy.

I DREAMT OF BOOKS

Two good books
Tell the same life I know.
Forbidden to look
At how different each stories flow.
One might get me hooked
The other may make me glow.

Which should I read knowing
I'd never open another again?

Will it be the book of adventures full
Of challenges and risk am I even ready to face?
Or will it be the book with a slice of life
Filled with security and warmth?

Time is ticking, I remain at standstill
Will I go face the waves or will I go along with it?


Unsure, uncertain of what each pages holds
I wonder what untold tale will unfold..?

It Crushes My Heart

Everytime I get closer

to that day I'll have to leave

my most precious babies behind.

Nuinui

Sheep

They might be only a part of your life, but to them, you are their world; their whole life.

It Was A Dreamless Night..

.. But not entirely empty.

I saw the words flash
from a dark black screen

no voice
yet a whisper to my ear.

It could be a warning, a sign..
But it might also be the answer I prayed for last night.

I'm Scared

.. Of a lot of things

It's Difficult To Be Human

When their eyes are on you

Waiting for you to make mistakes



So they can laugh about it.

Immune

For some reasons, I don't care anymore.

Unbelievable

I just can't believe how people can really be degradingly rude
thinking that I'm being paid to keep silent and take all their crap.

While honestly,
All I could do is to keep silent and take all their crap
and not be paid for it.



self tip: don't be that person. wherever. whenever.

I Dreamt of an Empty House

.. That's it. Empty.

Actually, Maybe Its Me

I had a dream

Where he was sitting

On his couch.

He’s sad.

Sad about something.

I don’t know.

I went up to him

And hugged him.

We stayed that way.

Until I woke up.

~  16.APR.18

Now I wonder,

Is it really him

Or is it me

Who’s lonely?

Make This Non-Existent.

It's just not really my thing.

I want to skip this.

I'm sorry I'm not thankful.



I guess the best I could do,

is to humor all of you.

Cheers! 🥂

The Story Ends, Only to Begin the Same One Again

I don’t understand

But it’s the same things

Repeating. 

Again.

And again.

Happy things and sad things

Mundane little things

I’m living the same life

Over. And over.

At the moment I had to open my eyes,

I saw her.

At a very high place

Looking down at me

I remember.

Even after the dream ended

Even when most things are a blur

I remember.

Her face

That smile

Full of satisfaction and enjoyment 

As she tells me

That I’m 

“In a song

That’s on endless replay.”

-30.MAR.18

Talk When I Can Hear

I will never know
If you won't ever tell.

It was the 31st of December ... when it happened.

I was riding the bus
when it suddenly got caught in a terrible accident.
It killed everyone
but me and the driver.

I saw and still remember
where everyone was seated
glass shards seeping through their skin,
their body dismembered, their face destroyed.

I ran.
He followed.
I went to a restaurant where there were lots of people.
He killed them all.

I ran.
He followed.
Ended up at the mall with even more people, and just like before,
he killed them all.

I woke up.
Thank goodness. All was just a dream.
With a great relief, I sent a message
to my boyfriend about everything that happened.

Moments passed, and no reply.
I heard a knock.
Hurriedly, I opened the door.
It's him. I'm not awake.

I ran again.
Again, he followed.
Went to my neighbors to seek for help.
No surprise, they all died.

Tired.
Tired of seeing people dying.
Tired of him that keeps on killing.
Tired of myself whose always running.

Finally decided
to just settle to a place where there's just me.
Sealed all windows, closed all doors.
Of course. He managed to still get in.

Aware this is all but a dream.
I sat on a corner waiting for myself to wake up.
He just stood there staring at me. Waiting..
For me to say anything, for me to make a move.

But I don't. I won't.

He moved closely, eyes still on me.
I didn't dare react not even flinch.
He'll get bored soon.
But he never left. Until I woke up.

Surely, I did wake up .. right?